| strikingly fine |
[Jan. 5th, 2007|11:28 pm] |
things are--ok.
i thought my life would fall apart when i got back. and i think it may have, had it not been for what happened the day before i left athens. it's turned my whole world upside down, my morals, ethics, philosophies of all sorts, relationship models, the way i treat myself, the way i trust (or rather, don't trust) others, the general structure of me... it's been pulverized. like mae was a wrecking ball that opened me up to be rebuilt.
all i can say is this:
USE EXTREME CAUTION: UNDER CONSTRUCTION
i don't think i'm ready to play nice with others yet.
but we'll see, i've still got my road trip to florida tomorrow and move in day on sunday. where i'll run into a few people that will show me what i'm made of. good or bad. not quite solid, for sure, but it'll test how awesome i truly am. i guess. |
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| 15 days |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|04:47 pm] |
it's just that i'm not sure. how i feel. i want to get back to the states almost more than i ever thought i would. Greece will be missed. i love it here. it's freedom coupled with solitude and independance and it tastes like the best red wine i've ever had. served with a simple loaf of bread. i've been humbled. i've been exhaulted. it's been different than i had envisioned it. in a good way. in a bad way. i always thought that going back to NC would be the easiest and most relaxing part of the reversal process and that Rollins was going to be impossible. I thought that I could visit family and drink and work and build fires and have no cares. Rollins was going to be hell, all that awaited me was having to catch up and leave her behind while keeping her beside me. now the tables have turned completely. NC is going to bring me more pain than i can ever imagine because it's been building up for months now and i don't want it to hit. maybe i'll be strong enough to ignore it and never face it. my grandpa is gone. i'm not going to get burned cd's or ugly socks and he isn't going to help me set up some weird electronic device that won't be popular for a few more years... because he isn't around. i feel like i've been strong since september 15th but i've been ignorant of the fact because everyone is gone while i'm over here. i'm going to get back and break down. and i'll have to rebuild for the 4th time this year.
i'm done with reconstructions for a while, i want to be something solid.
On the other hand i've learned that i can control the situation that i feared so much at rollins. i don't have to hold on 'til there's nothing left. if you want me come and get me, ya know? i've always done more harm to myself by being diligent and convincing myself that i could convince someone to love me. i'm done changing me; i'm done changing you in my head so you make up a perfect person. things will fall into place at some point, no need to push anything. i recently realized, tho, that the jessica break up was a long time in coming and, as much as it hurt, i understood it to a great extent. the fucked up logic that went into it, the reasons, the misgivings, the failures, the small things that she stopped doing, the big things that i never did. no one was blameless. my summer love was over before it should have been; i firmly believe that it did not live out it's [errr] destiny. i can feel these things. don't contest it. but that's life; things get cut short and people get hurt, people hurt themselves. after you try you can't do anything else. anyways, i like other people, which is much more than i expected at this point. and i'm proud of myself. it's like Krystina said to me, "you're misses right, you just need to find someone who realizes that." corny, ya, but this came from someone who is rarely corny. someone on my level, good at advice. i believe it. i'm tired of cliches and people telling me stuff that's supposed to fix the situations. nothing can fix situations. there is no universal answer.
well, maybe in existentialism... but that's for another discussion... hhahha, and i'm working slowly on forming my beliefs, along those lines :)
i'm looking to be into new things... writing, music, work, love.
i'm looking to stand still for a bit...
i don't need another 2006...
15 days til i fly away from this place, where the changes in me are so great you'll probably never notice them. |
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| a rather mainstream soundtrack to the movie of my life |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|05:11 pm] |
Opening credit: attractive today, motion city soundtrack
Waking up: what i got, sublime
Average day: brushfire fairy tales, jack johnson
First date: first date, blink 182
Falling in love: brighter than sunshine, aqualung
Fight scene: mortal combat techno, duh
Breaking up: parting gift, fiona apple
Getting back together: banana pancakes, jack johnson
Life's okay: i won't be left, tegan and sara
Mental breakdown: me and the moon, something corporate
Driving: drive, melissa ferrick... ok, well that's for fucking... but whatever... maybe i'd listen to an excerpt from "on the road" driving...
Partying: get up, ciara
Happy dance: the hokey pokey, 'nuff said
Long night alone: goodnight and go, imogen heap
Death scene: last dance, sarah mclachlan
End credits: more for me, tegan and sara
ps- my movie would also have lots of sex scenes, duh. (uh, mine too, duh) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|11:21 pm] |
i wanted to wish that you weren't confusing but then it would all be too easy and i'd lose all of that whatever it is i have for you. i'd lose interest, i'd lose lust, i'd lose intellectual excitement, i'd lose that need to hold you and listen to your brain tic, i'd lose the pain that makes me want to keep trying for how much better it feels when i'm happy.
i wish that the people who wanted me wanted me entirely.
it feels like i've got the best of both worlds but the girls i like only want one part of it. i'm good for throwing against a wall OR being on a different level with. not both. i had it once but something about me was hard to deal with, hard to love. now i'm going overseas to study abroad and i've decided not to be me. we'll see how that goes. don't scold me, because everyone i know does just that. i'm just beginning to be normal... that is hiding myself. if i'm not winning being your hero maybe you'd like it better if i were the anti-christ.
let's give it a shot.
damn, i sound so ridiculous. i'm so confused. hypocrites, all of you. |
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| HELP, BIG FAVOR! |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|01:15 am] |
http://www.myspace.com/msryan
if you think most things are emo and hate that... then don't read this, cuz it's my reasoning behind a catharsis i will pursue soon... and that has to deal with some profound emotions... thus being emo, to many...
from the 17th-19th of june my myspace will be sort of an irish wake for the relationship that jessica and i had. we're both irish, well mostly irish, so i thought it made sense. i will make my page public, i will completely change it for those three days to reflect the good things that jessica and i were. and for her birthday, on the 19th, i will give her the gift of me letting her go. it's cathartic, i hope.
my reasoning behind this:
-i need to be done with her, but try to get rid of the bad feelings, somehow, even if it only helps a little.
-i found a poem i wrote her 2 years ago for her bday, we were broken up, i wrote it on the 17th. finding that gave me the idea, i will post it.
-i'm asking for open support from friends, because i think that will help.
-i don't know for sure why i'm doing this, just because i really believe that it will help me somehow. it feels like a good idea. a way to openly be happy about what was and sad about it being over. but admitting to myself and others that it IS over.
-oh ya, and call me Ryan because i want to go by my middle name now, thanks. it's a complete overhaul you guys. i think i deserve it.
SO, COME BY MY PAGE THOSE DAYS AND SUPPORT ME. please. because as easy as most people think this should be, its not. when i said yes to marrying her, i meant it. and it's painful for that promise to be broken. but this is me working through it. show me some love...
-ryan
http://www.myspace.com/msryan |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2006|05:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | palm beach, fl | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | faith, limp bizkit | ] |
oh man, you'll never have any idea how these few weeks at erica's house are going to be awesome. relaxing, fun, awesome... all my days are gonna be spent making something to do or laying by the pool... on the agenda:
-sidewalk chalk
-biking
-moving more stuff
-visiting orlando
-finishing stuff for greece and school
-getting suntanned
-lifting weights?
-naps, lots of naps
-day of board games!
-visiting danielle
-eating healthy
laziness here i come! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2006|03:46 am] |
i'm missing holding someone that i truly care about, and i'm not sure when that can happen again...
i was completely satisfied, until she wasn't completely satisfied. i don't know what i could have done. she didn't have any better answers than me, so how can my heart be so completely broken?
how can she say she still loves me? couldn't she have a heart and tell me otherwise, true or not? i wish she were a gentleman... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2006|01:41 am] |
i don't know why i still want to love her. maybe it was the level of committment that i knew i could be at. maybe it's the swiftness with which it ended.
the first and last kisses were the worst.
i don't know what that means.
i know i should move on but intimacy has, at this point, been completely shattered... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2006|01:13 am] |
The first time that her lips met mine tasted like sweet blueberry tea.
I wanted to sip forever on a quiet Sunday evening,
glowing only with the soft radiance of lightning bugs
and distracted only by the slow low luscious buzz of a few fireflies,
maybe the hum of the nearest city in the distance.
She was mostly perfect then.
I didn’t know any better, to keep my distance;
she tasted perfect from the outside.
-NRW |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|04:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
she's already seeing someone else; why couldn't she just tell me she doesn't love me so i could forget about her that much faster? how does seeing someone else so soon mean that she loves me at all? i guess i loved someone that wasn't jessica because who she is right now (who she says she really is) isn't a nice person and i don't like un-nice people. i fucking hate this. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2006|05:23 pm] |
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to be too busy for an ENGAGEMENT... means that it's over... i hope you're happy with your choice. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2006|05:47 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Olin Library | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | angsty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | last dance, sarah mclachlan | ] |
DeaAmoris9: in about 5 mins it'll have been one week exactly
DeaAmoris9: i'm studying because i can't sleep
AWESOME PANTS: oh Nat
DeaAmoris9: i just don't understand why she doesn't want to love me anymore, and i'd like to know
AWESOME PANTS: i know.. i know, it's not easy
DeaAmoris9: i know the reasons i thought it wasn't working... and we should have talked about those things... it was an engagement and all of a sudden she just didn't care... ya know? it's weird.
DeaAmoris9: you busy finishing your projects still?
AWESOME PANTS: it is weird
AWESOME PANTS: yeah, i'm still arting around
DeaAmoris9: if you want to go actually get stuff done you can... you don't have to listen to the angsty [ME] who hurt you talk about her shit if you don't want to
AWESOME PANTS: Natalie, if i wanted that i wouldn't be talking to you
AWESOME PANTS: i would be like "hey dude i'm sorry but i really have to finish this"
AWESOME PANTS: you mean a lot to me
AWESOME PANTS: i'm not just going to ditch you
DeaAmoris9: i just feel so lame, like i've been making my friends work overtime
DeaAmoris9: thanks AWESOME PANTS
AWESOME PANTS: you haven't made me work at ALL!
AWESOME PANTS: i wish you'd talk to me more, actually
AWESOME PANTS: but i know you're busy
DeaAmoris9: well, my friend erica actually
DeaAmoris9: i've been calling on her alot
DeaAmoris9: i just... i need closure or something... i need a reason from her... i don't understand what happened at all from her side. i didn't do anything wrong... i don't think...
DeaAmoris9: i was strong, i waited for her, i loved her... :'(
AWESOME PANTS: i know you did
AWESOME PANTS: i watched you
AWESOME PANTS: hell, i wanted to make out with you but i didn't even dare ask because i knew you loved her so much
AWESOME PANTS: not that you want to hear that now ^^;;
DeaAmoris9: you're just tryin to make me feel better
AWESOME PANTS: no, i'm not
DeaAmoris9: well it worked a lil anyway
...
AWESOME PANTS: babe, it's ok to feel angsty
AWESOME PANTS: it's ok to need closure, it's ok to not be over her
AWESOME PANTS: feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are
DeaAmoris9: just... why can't she have had guts to talk to me... to tell me off, cry, anything
DeaAmoris9: tell me i'm bad in bed, clingy, a horrible conversationalist, that she hated looking at me... i mean... anything... that she was seeing someone else, that she was straight... something... that i did nothing wrong but that she didn't want me anymore and she didn't understand herself... seriously
DeaAmoris9: i literally would have taken any explanation
AWESOME PANTS: and if you do get closure from her, do you think it would help?
DeaAmoris9: i'm pretty sure
DeaAmoris9: otherwise i assume its all of those... or at least the ones that suck the most... and my confidence takes a huge nosedive
AWESOME PANTS: or maybe it's just the fact that she's a coward.
maybe... but i guess i'll never know... R.I.P.--jessica and i... right at 1 week... its a countdown no one ever expected from me... the post break up silence period count-up really... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|02:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
walking down the stardust
falling down the road
showing off the broken heart
nobody should have known
trying to be a gentleman
know you'll never try again
-----------------------------------------
i promised myself to you. i promised to be true. i wanted to have everything. i wanted it all in you. i said it was ok. i told you we were fine. but you were just to heartless. just leaving me behind. i thought i fixed you. but that won't be. i had you all figured out. you were almost good enough for me. i stuck there when you did me wrong. i handled your business. you never wanted to be safe. you want to be white trash. someone will hate you and pretend to love. someone will do you wrong. you'll stay with her. because she does you wrong. its ok. you don't know better. its something i should have known. you hurt the loyal. you push the love away. its not my choice. you'll see you chose wrong one day.
-------------------------------------------
fuck.
fuck you.
i wanted to make it forever.
put in everything i had.
all the self control.
all the understanding.
i hate you.
i could never love you again.
jessica sue lowery.
you are a monster.
all the inadequecys that you fear.
live inside of you.
and you can never get away.
you are a coward.
you are an idiot.
you are not the person i thought i loved.
you hurt me too bad for that.
so fuck you.
i hope she beats you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|02:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
why do you think we've changed so much? do you still love me like forever needs? |
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| sometime now |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|01:35 am] |
i don't write here much. i don't write much anymore.
i don't have much time to write really. i guess i'm stuck with living right now, which isn't such a bad gig to have. i like the doing and then i think the writing will come better later, stronger. more exposed and lived, rather than dreamed. which is what it was and still kind of is.
writing now because of the realization, which may be insignificant to most, that i'm 20. 20. 20. such a weird number. i'm in my 20's. i got accepted to go abroad next semester to greece. i can't wait. i can drink over there i think. it's weird how even numbers differ when it comes to culture. the important ones i guess. i don't know if it's important, not that i can stop it. although i wish i could stop it. and live forever. and then i think if i could live forever i wouldn't write. that's what writing's there for then.
and i saw her for the first time in seven and a half months over spring break. it didn't feel like spring break though, it felt like life the way it should always be, minus all the chores. i don't know what perfect is really, if there is a perfect even, but being with jessica felt like freedom--even hidden away from everyone. being with jessica feels like i might know beauty, but still can't put it into words. to touch her is to feel serenity and motion at once. and that trip, as inexplicable as it was, and as plain and simple and normal, as it was, is what i want my life to be. it's my middle ground that keeps everything in order without working to do so. if i could just be to her what she is to me for the rest of my life i could live well.
she comes down here on tuesday. for 2 weeks. this is the most i've seen her condensed into so little time. i am blissful when i imagine it. and, i guess, i just can't wait to live it. to live her. maybe i'll write again when that gets done with. |
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| maybe its true |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|01:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
sometimes i think people use their LJs just to bitch, moan, and gloat. only reasons. and if that is the case then i'm following suit. 1. i come here to be proud of jessica and i. we are so cute, right? 2. when anyone pisses me off i come here to bitch. or ya know, stuff along those lines. seldom do i ever just come here and go, "today was an ok day, nothing much happened, life is average."
I'M A lil UPSET with jessica right now. i'm mostly just worried because i havn't heard from hher in a few days. and if she's doing this to me just because she's pissed off at me for being busy then we need to sit down and both have an understanding talk. because she needs to understand that i stay busy so i'm not missing her every second, and even if i am its not as strong. she needs to understand that this past week was the busiest i'll ever be with sorority stuff and that, by no means is my sorority more important to me than her. i had to put alot of time into it this weekend.
i need to understand stuff to. i mean, i'm not saying that i'm not at fault... i made her mad at me by not paying her as much attention as i should have been. and i wish i could take it back, i was just wrapped up this weekend. i would stop more than half the stuff i'm doing if she were just here. if i could just see her. i need to understand how she can be so mad at me... when i can't call her and she calls me at inopportune times (most of the time)... what am i supposed to do? half the time i'll tell her what is a good time to talk to me (over the phone or on webcam) and she'll miss it. but i don't freak out on her. she's busy, she gets run down by work, i know its not because she doesn't care. its just how it goes. and she needs to see my point on that. come from where i come from when she screws up...
i havn't written her alot in the past month. its like my brain keeps telling me she's so close to getting home that i shouldn't. that i should just be able to tell her everything i mean to say without words. that soon i'll be able to whisper it to her while she's sleeping. its not that i don't love her. its not that i don't care enoughh to write. its just that i'm stuck in this dream world of being with her. and nothing else compares right now. i just want her.
i want not to be worried about her. what do i do? i've already apologized. i'm scared that she'll do something that will upset me because she's so far away and so confused and has too much time to think. i'm scared she won't love me anymore. and i'm scared it will be all my fault. i just want her to talk to me. i want to hear her voice. know her love. because i'm falling apart thinking that i upset her. and its breaking my heart that she can be this mean over something i'm so understanding about. |
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| why... |
[Dec. 16th, 2005|01:18 am] |
curly hair,
creative,
movie buff,
emotionally strong,
dress like i want,
STARS,
sorority,
ROLLINS COLLEGE,
smart,
say what i mean,
mean what i say,
grades,
strong for her,
SEX,
cooking food,
visited jamaica,
drinking you under the table,
funny,
jokes,
heart,
GREEN,
love, anything for it
tomato juice
GIVE, GIVE, GIVE,
take a little, don't expect much,
photography,
driving long distances,
TRUTH,
flying long distances,
singing as loud as i can in the car,
singing for jessica,
sexy sneakers,
WRITING,
speaking,
philosophizing,
hot fries,
poetry,
ME TIME,
coffee bitch,
ice cream conisseur,
exploring,
LESBIAN,
drive fast,
writing letters,
sending gifts,
loving fully,
kind,
BLUE eyes,
deep eyes,
work hard,
loyal,
flirtatious,
SOFT,
sweet,
tough when need be,
spinach lover,
adventurous in bed,
adventurous in life. |
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| dear santa |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|01:58 am] |
 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
In September I farted in an elevator (-6 points). Last Sunday I gave ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jlowery12 a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points). In June I bought porn for nvr_na_mlln_yrs (-10 points). Last Tuesday I set hinokitsune's puppy on fire (-66 points). In January I turned rolligirl06 in for spitting (3 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-29 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!
Sincerely,
burn_and_dodge |
...my farts aren't all that bad... and i was in the elevator alone!...YAY! I SAVED JESSICA!, of course i would buy my big sis porn! it's the cool thing to do! sorry for setting your puppy on fire stacy... you're not allowed to have them in the dorms anyway! oh, and sorority girls shouldn't spit meghan! so you had to be turned in! you must pay! muahahahahahaha!
overall it ain't too bad, who gets to spank me? i've been naughty... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|05:21 pm] |
if i just keep walking, i'll get somewhere eventually. or will i?
if i'm feeling nothingness, knowing nothingness, being nothingness, won't i go there too?
isn't there someplace better?
please keep me occupied over this break, someone make me get out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|04:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | coldplay | ] |
its just getting harder and harder to be without jess... i think i'm gettin' to a point that i might be becoming depressed. cuz i'm sad and i dont' know why. the holidays are coming. i no longer have school and sorority to lose myself in... i dunno what i'm gonna do in north carolina doing NOTHING for 2 weeks, at least down here i have work. i'm gonna lose my mind. |
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